Years ago, when I was in my early 20’s, I offended someone by not keeping my word. Because we worked at the same school, there was no way I could avoid him for very long. I had to face up to my mistake. So, as nervous as I was, I approached him and apologized and asked him if he would forgive me. Awkward silence. Reluctantly, he said yes, he would. I walked away, feeling I had done the right thing.
Recently someone I know just told me a similar story. J had offended S by speaking some harsh words to her-words that shouldn’t have been spoken (trust me on this one). Hours later, J felt a prompting to apologize to S. She returned the next day and said, “S, what I said the other day to you was wrong. I had no right to say those things to you. Will you forgive me?” S stood and just looked at J, saying nothing.
“Will you forgive me?”, J repeated. No answer.
“Will you forgive me?” J repeated, a little more emphatically.
Then, “Yes, J, I forgive you”, S said, with little emotion.
J felt better about the episode.
As I thought about this, I wondered if this was appropriate? Do we have the right to demand forgiveness from someone? Perhaps, instead of saying “Will you forgive me?”, we might say, “I apologize. I hope you’ll forgive me.” and leave it at that. After all, whether we are forgiven or not isn’t our responsibility. The point is we sincerely apologized for the wrong we had committed.
What do you think?
We definitely don't have the right to demand forgiveness. Just because we corner someone into saying they forgive us in no way means they really have. Whether or not forgiveness is offered isn't the point of an apology. The point should be to express the fact we are sorry for our behaviour.
ReplyDeleteAgreed! It's our responsibility to apologize and the other person's responsibility to forgive us...or not.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Demanding forgiveness makes a person actually seem less sorry. I think.
ReplyDelete