The In Between

 My life feels weird today. I’m living in the in between in a new way.  I don’t really know how this will end, and exactly when it will end.  I’m easily distracted and not sure what to focus on.

This morning I woke up in the same bedroom I’ve slept in for over 30 years. I padded down the short hallway to the kitchen and pulled up the blinds. I started breakfast, had a quick shower. Everything is so familiar to me. So very comfortingly familiar.

Later today we may find out if we will be selling our house. This beloved house that has held so many memories - little children growing up, building fences, splashing in the backyard pool, homeschooling, flying the coop, empty nesting, boomeranging, family visits, grandkids spending the day, appreciating and enjoying our neighbours, joys and sorrows interspersed throughout.  

Today I’m preparing myself to look at it differently. Not.... how much do I love certain things about this house, not what areas need more renovation, but what do I need to do to get it ready to sell, to see it only in my rear view mirror? To say goodbye to it. Like a friend who has informed me that she may be moving away, I am only letting myself feel so much at this moment. My emotions are guarded and on hold until I hear firm answers. Is this really happening or might this happen? How will I really feel when I know for sure?

Life is like that. So many things we have no control over, and we just ride it out, hoping to be prepared for whatever outcome. Trusting that we are doing the right thing, we want to be okay with however it ends. In truth, I'm always living in the In Between. 

If we stay, we stay. If we go, we go.

But until I hear, I’m attempting to put one foot in the front of the other, life as usual.

Now I’ve got the line of a punk rock song in my head... Should I stay or should I go?  Where did that come from?