Not long ago I was listening to a podcast on the topic of conversations. According to the guests, there are generally five levels, and it seems that most people safely stay within the first two most of the time, with acquaintances, friends, and even family members. True communication, however, doesn’t really start until you get to level four. And, you probably guessed it, the deeper you go, the more vulnerable you become.
Level 1 – Cliches – Necessary, but shallow. For example, “hello there”, “bless you”, “nice to see you”. I’d have to add “how are you”, which is often just used as a greeting.
Level 2 – Facts and Reports – Thank God for facts and reports. It’s helped me break the ice with passersby as I’m walking around my neighbourhood or with cashiers at the grocery store. “So, it looks like we’ll be having warm weather for the next few days!”
Level 3 – Opinions and Judgments – this is where things begin to get a little risky. Can you trust this person to accept you with your opinions and judgments? Or do you even care whether someone disagrees and attacks you for it? A thick skinned person probably shares more opinions and judgments than a sensitive person does.
Level 4 – Feelings – Here is where you begin telling others how you feel. Your feelings are never wrong; they are what they are, but you are opening yourself up, which means you may get wounded. On the other hand, you may feel very validated.
Level 5 – Open and Truthful Exchanges – This can be encouragements, as well as rebukes. It’s all about total honesty. It’s sometimes (often!) difficult to take rebuke from others, especially those we love. I think it’s because they know us the best. And it’s somewhat humbling. I can’t remember the last time I took a rebuke well. I can remember the last time I didn’t. Something to work on..
Of course, we don’t expect to go deep with everyone we know. It’s important, above all, to find ‘safe people’ to share with. But, even so, none of us is perfect, and we don’t always react in the loving way we hope to. If you know someone who you feel truly loves you unconditionally and wants to know and love you better, then you probably can feel free to venture into level 4 and 5 regularly. Because you feel secure.
I still think it’s a bit scary, though. How about you? Do you frequent the deeper levels regularly?
I loved this post...very informative and interesting how we form our deeper friendships. I will admit there are times I wished I didn't move so quickly to 4/5 but overall am happy with the way I develop close relationships I have some wonderful people in my life and a smattering of people in all of those categories for a well rounded and satisfying group of friends.
ReplyDeleteI found this interesting too; I tend to get to #4 and #5 more with online friends than my own family; maybe I'll have to reevaluate this......
ReplyDeletehope the day is a great one!
betty
I've never thought about this as 'levels' before but it's certainly helpful to think about them that way. I'm the same as Betty - I find it easier to go deep with online friends. But that's when you get for virtually sharing diaries back and forth I guess. I have to be careful - I get so frustrated that people spend so much time in the first two categories. Really frustrated and then I just want to turn my back on everyone. It's bad. I should be more accepting of small talk suppose.
ReplyDeleteI think I hit all the levels equally. But I really love going to levels 4 & 5.
ReplyDelete