Five Minute Friday :: Cancel

A few days ago, your future days on earth were cancelled, the candle of your life snuffed out too soon, it seems to me. My friend of almost forty years, husband to my childhood friend. Your smile, your twinkling eyes, your voice that was always warm and friendly towards me, I will miss these all. Never mind that you were suffering from the effects of cancer medications that were so hard on your body, yet kept you alive for many more years than you would have had. You never dwelled on your own pain when we visited as couples. The four of us visited in each others’ homes, camped together, talked about our kids and grandkids, laughed and reminisced. Remember years ago when cancer hadn’t reared its ugly head yet, we laughed our way through an intense tennis match? I may have wanted to win more badly than you (I think you won ;) That is such a sweet memory. Bob E, I will never forget you and the gift your life was to me, even though we lived a province apart and only really visited once or twice a year in the last 30 years. Rest in peace,dear friend, where sickness and pain have been cancelled forever. . . . This post is part of the Five Minute Friday link-up and you are welcome to join!

Social Options in a Physical Distancing Time

"Come outside, R and M are here!" 

Now, those words from my hubby I haven't heard in a while! But it was true! We were graced with an IN REAL LIFE visit! Some friends of ours drove up to our house simply to have a little (physically distant, as per the rules) surprise visit.  We had no choice but to chat outside. Unfortunately, the wind was strong and cold today, so it was a short but sweet get together. 

Have you been able to meet up with any friends or family while keeping your mandated distance doing it?

If that's not possible, here are a few face to face social network options that have worked for me lately. I've added a few apps to my phone and iPad that I will probably delete (or use less frequently) once this is over.

House Party - My sister recommended this one. This one is easy to use and fun. The drawback is that if you don't 'lock' your room, others can jump in. That's the 'house party' component.  These could be your friends OR friends of friends, so that might mean you would potentially not know everyone in the room. However, when it happened to us, it turned out to be fun. My two sisters and I were chatting when suddenly two of our adult children popped in and we had a great visit, playing Draw Something together. So, just remember, if you're having a serious private conversation, LOCK your room, just like in real life, if you don't want unexpected guests! Or use a different app!

Marco Polo - This is one of my favorites. It's like texting, except it's video, so you leave little video messages. You create your groups (one or more people to join you). It's safe and easy to use. You can easily delete the videos if you want to, and there are fun options like funny voice changes and speeding up the speech. Sometimes it's nice to see the person who's texting. This app works well for that.

Zoom - I feel like  this is the mature, older sibling of House Party. It feels serious and professional, maybe because it's the app I used when I was working as a support teacher. Easy to use and you can opt to turn off your video (for those bad hair days)  and turn off your mic (if you have little ones making lots of noise in the background). It's also got  'raise your hand' and 'applaud' features. It's definitely a winner.

FaceTime - a well known and good, simple option for two people, which is how I use it. I think it has the capability to include more than two people, but I have no experience with that. I use this to chat with my 83 year old widowed mother. 

I'm not too sure I like that my time spent engaged with my phone has increased these past couple of weeks. It's so easy to become addicted, even if for good reasons. It starts with a video chat and ends with scrolling through social media.   I think my eyes have become more sensitive to screen lighting, so I'm going to have to cut back a bit!

Have you found that you are needlessly online more than usual (or too much)  during this time?

F is for Friends

What is the definition of a friend? Essentially, it's someone who enjoys your company. Usually, if they like being with you, they are kind to you  and treat you well. They accept you for who you are. Of course, it's as important to BE a good friend as to have one.

 Little Enzo the Chi is happiest when he's physically close to his people. His big eyes often look up at me and I stroke his fur. He sighs audibly and deeply and settles down into his blanket.  He is definitely our little fur baby!

I recently enjoyed reading The Grace of Dogs: A Boy, A Black Lab, and a Father's Search for the Canine Soul by Andrew Root. In it, Root mentioned that studies have shown that dogs prefer being with people rather than with their own kind, which is unusual in the animal world.  As well, they are one of the few animals that constantly make eye contact with humans. They crave the connection with their human friends. We all know stories of friendship between humans and animals. There is definitely a special bond there.

A life lived well includes being a good friend as well as having them.

~Common~

Day 23 Common

My husband has told me more than once that he’s intrigued by the friends I choose. “Most of your friends are so different from you,” he tells me. And so I ponder that and wonder if that’s true. 

Many of my friends have strong personalities. Maybe that’s what he means. One of my friends, a single mom,  is a well respected family therapist.  I met D when we were both attending  a small Christian liberal arts college in Langley, BC in 1978! (yikes, that sounds like a long time ago!). She was from Liberia, and had heard about this college through some missionaries. I was living a half hour away from the college, never having travelled out of the country at that point.  We became roommates part way through the year. 

She was an extrovert, made friends easily, and was very popular, always looking for the next party or event. She was tall, thin, black, and beautiful. I remember thinking she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. 

 I was a shy introvert, didn’t need a lot of friends, just an average looking girl, and was content to go home on the weekends, so I wouldn’t have to socialize too much!   On the surface we had little in common! Yet, we gravitated towards each other and have maintained our friendship for over 40 years, even though we have only lived in the same city for a few years when our children were very young.

 She and her daughter are a part of our very large extended family, attending camping trips, family reunions,  family weddings and funerals.   She is really more than a friend-- she is like a sister.

 I guess what we have in common is an appreciation and love for each other just as we are. We have learned that trying to change the other just doesn’t work!  

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

I'm enjoying the 31 Days of Five Minute Freewrites. Read more about it here.

~Talk~

There's a time to talk and a time to NOT talk.

This morning was a perfect example of when to talk. I called up a friend and we headed out to the Farmer's Market in town. Even though we'd seen each other less than a week ago, we still had so much to talk about! She's a great listener and we have a lot in common, so there's always something to share or discuss. I don't really think we stopped talking since she stepped into my car. We drove downtown,  walked through the Market, headed to our favorite coffeeshop, sat face to face across the table from each other with hot drinks in our hands, and then ambled back to the car and drove back. All the while... talking! It was a nice little time out. Sometimes I don't want to be home alone and this morning was one of those times!

Photo by Juliana Malta on Unsplash

When not to talk?  At the movies! Apparently, also when you're watching a movie at home. Well, that's the opinion of most of my family members. I actually do like to converse during movies watched at home, if the comments are relevant and not unnecessarily distracting. It becomes more of a shared experience, don't you think?  Anyway, a pause button on the remote is there for a reason, isn't it? Sometimes when I don't quite understand what's going on in the movie, I like clarification. But I recently found out my husband really doesn't like to be interrupted  during a movie. He hasn't really told me so before, though. So, I guess I'll hold my questions and observations and just watch the movie next time! Won't he be surprised!

Photo by Grant on Unsplash

~Comfort~

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Sometimes we need a little comfort. To me, that might mean being snuggled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. Sometimes that means meeting a friend somewhere and having a good chat. Sometimes it's just a warm hug. 

Sometimes we give a little comfort. We can comfort others just by listening to them. It doesn’t often happen that someone listens without interjecting their own thoughts. I know I have to catch myself doing that. The goal is to pay attention 100% to what the other is saying, not to what my response might be. How comforting is it to be really listened to?

 Are you comfortable? What does that really mean? Able to comfort?  A chair comes to mind. A comfortable chair is one that a person can relax into without really thinking about the chair. It’s there to support you and because it’s doing its job, it isn’t thought about. I suppose a good friend can be like that. We are so at home with this person, that all we know is that we feel safe and heard. We aren’t worried about what they think, what they will do with what we say, or whether they’ll still be our friend after what we have shared.  They are comfortable. 

Being able to comfort and able to receive comfort are both important aspects of our emotional wellbeing.

I’ve  joined the 31 Days of Five Minute Freewrites. Read more about it here.

Friendship

The greatest thing any person can do for another is to ... take the time and have the discernment to see what is most deeply there, most fully that person, and then confirm it by recognizing it and encouraging it. 

Martin Buber