1933-2017

I know there are a few of you out there who read my blog regularly (even though often my posts are few and far between).  I have shared about my dad's cancer journey in a few posts over the last few years, so I thought you might want to know about today. 

One week ago I kissed my 83 year old dad goodbye and flew home, after spending a week helping my siblings, mom, and extended family care for Dad in the hospice he had been moved into a couple weeks earlier. It was a gift and a privilege to spend time with him, hugging, praying with him, talking him through spasms of pain, playing his favorite worship music, holding his hand, helping him eat and just being with him. He couldn't really carry a conversation anymore, but he sure brightened up when family was in the room.

Early this morning, my dear beloved dad passed away. My one-of-a-kind gentle, loving father who quietly lived his faith through his deeds, took his last breath here on earth in the early hours of the morning, and is now pain free and whole in every way. He is now supremely happy in heaven with his beloved Jesus, the One he gave his heart to many many years ago.

He had suffered from prostate cancer, then bone cancer, for 6 years, bravely fighting it until his body got too tired. And with some dementia as well, it was time to let go.

We did not know when he would take his last breath. First it was months, then weeks, then last Sunday we were told days. But no one really knew. As my brother said, it was like taking steps down the stairs, with pauses and then another descend, and sometimes, surprisingly, a step or two back up. I was kept posted daily, sometimes hourly.

Whoever has ever witnessed the last months of life of an elderly loved one knows that often dying is a process with so many ups and downs, hopefulness, hopes dashed, seeing progress, seeing pain, frustration, witnessing the decline, the vulnerability, the fear, the uncertainty, the faith, the knowing, the love, the joy, the tears, the hugs, the kisses, the prayers, the thankfulness, and the mixed deep emotions.

And then the phone rings much too early,  and one hears the words, "Dad passed away early this morning".

That's what my day has been like today.

We are one blessed family. Having parents who loved each other and loved their 7 kids fiercely, not perfectly,  but deeply and with such commitment.


I've often said to friends, I don't know what I'll do when my dad passes away. And now this day has come. I'm taking time to cry and laugh, to reminisce, to share my sorrow with my friends and family, and looking forward to flying out again in the next day or so to again spend time with my family and help make the plans for the memorial service.

Although I've said goodbye and shared many hours together recently,  and spoken words of comfort to my dad, I still am sad that I missed his last moments. As much as I tell myself it's okay.

It's been a weird day. I'm feeling at odds with myself, sometimes now knowing how to feel, then being surprised by a wave of sadness overwhelming me. Lots of texting and what'sapping with siblings.  And my own husband and children, too, are grieving in their own way.

I will get through this, but never over it.  Until we meet again, dearest dad.

Love you forever, Dad! 

Hearts at Home

No matter how far away I am, a good part of my heart is at home with my parents. Some days I reminisce and remember those days of childhood and teenage hood (and all the angst that went with that era!). And then the struggle of becoming a young adult -- all the foibles and successes, strong emotions, wondering how in the world I'll ever make it to adulthood in tact. And the string of commonality woven throughout these stages of life was my family. My parents and my six siblings. Yes, we grew up in a family that prayed and stayed and played and worked together.  And no, we were not The Waltons, that wonderful, close, perfect-in-so-many-ways family. Nope, not us, but looking back, I have to say, my parents did a lot of things right :) I am so thankful for parents who loved us the best they knew how and they dedicated their lives to that.

I never remember a time when my dad wasn't working hard. He did whatever he had to do to provide for his family and that meant a lot of different jobs in his younger years, until he settled into the love of his career life - mushroom farming. He was a hands-in-the-dirt farmer at heart. He loved to get things just right so that we would have a bountiful crop of mushrooms to sell. Yes, my first  job was mushroom picking - at age 13 - at the farm my dad was running.  And when my dad bought his own small farm when I turned 15, I continued almost every day after school and weekends. Mushrooms don't wait, so we older siblings worked hard and sometimes long into the night. Back then I wasn't too impressed with having to work so much.  But looking back, those were some of the best family memories ever.

My dad is tired now. He's 83, and has been fighting prostate cancer for 4 years. The prognosis was 3-5 good years. Besides the cancer, my dad is in amazing shape. He looks much younger than his years (he was always a handsome  man!) and he has kept up his daily brisk walks. But things aren't looking too good right now. He's in more pain and walking is becoming more difficult. He's pale and he's tired. Very tired.

It's that time of life, when things can change pretty quickly.

In late August my daughter and I decided to take a quick road trip to visit my parents and other family. I'm glad we made that decision. It was the right one. And it was so worth it. We made sure we joined Mom and Dad/ Opa and Oma for their daily McDonald's 'coffee and a muffin in the morning' routine. And we had some good laughs, which we always do when we visit with them. They are hilarious sometimes (even  especially when they don't mean to be!).

3 Generations

Dad is heading to the cancer clinic next week to get the low down on his MRI and doctors' recommendations. More chemo possibly or simply pain management.

 My parents will be married 60 years next August. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all could get together and celebrate that?!